When Pregnancy Feels Heavy: My Journey Through Prenatal Depression

Pregnancy is often portrayed as a time of joy, glowing anticipation, and maternal bliss. But for me, it was a season of darkness, confusion, and deep emotional turmoil. As a doula and placenta specialist, I’ve walked alongside many women through their pregnancies. Yet, when it was my turn—during my second pregnancy—I found myself grappling with a reality I never expected: prenatal depression.

The Unexpected Descent

I remember the early weeks of my pregnancy with my daughter, Liyah. Instead of the excitement I anticipated, I was engulfed by a persistent sadness. I felt disconnected from my body, my emotions, and even the life growing inside me. Simple tasks became monumental challenges, and joy seemed like a distant memory.

At first, I dismissed these feelings as typical pregnancy hormones. But as days turned into weeks, the weight of my emotions became unbearable. I was drowning in a sea of despair, and I couldn’t find the shore.

Recognizing the Signs

It wasn’t until a close friend gently suggested that I might be experiencing prenatal
depression that I began to see the situation clearly. Despite my background and knowledge, I hadn’t considered this possibility. The realization was both shocking and relieving. I wasn’t alone, and there was a name for what I was experiencing.

This pregnancy felt markedly different from my first, with my son Jai. Carrying a girl brought up emotions and energies I hadn’t felt before. As the pregnancy progressed, I began to understand that I wasn’t just carrying my daughter—I was carrying the weight of the women who came before me. My daughter confronted me with unhealed parts of myself, and I found myself standing face to face with generation-spanning trauma. I had to meet it, feel it, and begin to unravel it.

I come from a line of women shaped by war, displacement, survival, and unspoken pain. Their struggles were carried in silence, passed down in ways I didn’t fully understand until I carried my daughter. The stories of my mother and grandmother, who fled Vietnam by boat, live in my blood. Though their voices were often quieted, their pain and strength echoed through me during this pregnancy.

The Healing Process

Around week 25, things began to lighten just a little. I could breathe again, though only just. But nearing the end of the pregnancy—around week 36—I fell back into a deep, consuming depression. It felt heavier than before, like I was holding my breath in an emotional storm that wouldn’t pass.

Eventually, at 38.4 weeks, we made the difficult decision to induce labor. It was one of the hardest choices I’ve ever had to make. I carry guilt around that decision—guilt that I didn’t “make it to the end” naturally. I question whether I failed her somehow by bringing her earthside earlier than planned. But the truth is: I was at my limit. My body may have still been carrying her, but my mind and heart were barely hanging on.

And then, something shifted. The moment she was born, the heavy fog that had surrounded me for months began to lift. The depression slowly started to release its grip. I could finally exhale. I could finally feel again. I could finally mother with presence, wrapping my wings around my family from a place of wholeness.

Breaking the Silence

Prenatal depression affects many women, yet it’s often overshadowed by discussions of postpartum depression. It’s crucial to recognize and address mental health challenges during pregnancy. If you’re struggling, know that you’re not alone, and help is available.

As a doula and placenta specialist, I’ve become even more passionate about supporting women through all aspects of their pregnancy journeys, including the emotional and psychological ones. Through my services at Sankalpa Doula, I also offer placenta encapsulation.

If you’re interested in learning more about it, please visit my Placenta Services page. Together, we can navigate the complexities of pregnancy and ensure that every mother feels seen, heard, and supported.

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→ Learn more about Kim and her services by visiting her profile on Parentally.

→ Are you looking for prenatal support? Please visit our website to browse all available services, including prenatal massages, pregnancy and birth doulas, pregnancy coaching and counseling, and complementary therapies for pregnancy

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