Have you ever found yourself reacting to your child in a way that surprised you? Maybe you promised yourself you would stay calm, yet somehow you ended up raising your voice. Or perhaps a seemingly small situation triggered emotions that felt much bigger than the moment itself.
As parents, we often focus on our children’s behavior, looking for ways to guide, correct, or support them. But what if the challenges we encounter are not only about our children?
What if they are also connected to deeper family patterns, unconscious loyalties, and dynamics that existed long before our children were born?
In my own journey as a parent, I discovered that some of the struggles I faced had very little to do with my daughter and much more to do with myself. A family constellation for parents – known in Dutch as opvoedopstellingen – invited me to explore, “What is happening beneath the surface?”, rather than asking, “What is wrong?”.
When Nothing Seemed to Work
My daughter was 2 years old when I started to struggle with some aspects of her behavior. She constantly sought my attention, especially in presence of other people. At first I thought it was sweet and funny in a way. However soon it made me uncomfortable. I felt guilty towards the people I couldn’t connect with, as she was endlessly asking for my attention. At the same time, I felt annoyed by her neediness.
I tried different parenting approaches and reflected on my role and attitude. Though, this only worked for a while. She was very persistent. It frustrated me, I raised my voice, got angry. Nothing worked properly. I started to feel that something was wrong. That I did something wrong.
During a peer supervision meeting I shared the situation with my colleagues. One of them suggested to make things visible in a constellation and experience what would happen. What I learned through this constellation changed the way I looked at my daughter’s behavior.
An Unexpected Discovery
In a constellation, floor tiles represent family members or themes related to the individual’s question. The way the tiles appear in the room tells something about family relationships or unconscious patterns. As a result, the constellation automatically shows which step is needed towards a new balance; creating awareness and understanding, and supporting personal growth.
At first, I had no idea that the answer had anything to do with my pregnancy.
Yet the constellation brought me back to a moment I had almost forgotten.
In the first semester of my pregnancy I had a small bleeding. Based on the information I shared, my midwife told me not to worry. A week later we had an ultrasound. During the scan, we discovered that my daughter had not been alone in the womb. An empty gestational sac was visible on the screen. As strange as it may sound now, our initial reaction was relief that we were not expecting twins. We completely focused on the little one who was alive and kicking.
About a year after I gave birth, I started to feel restless. I had this feeling a little boy was waiting for me. I was almost at the age of 42 by that time. Although we agreed that one daughter completed our family, I raised a second pregnancy with my husband. The feeling that there was a little boy somewhere, looking at me and seeking my attention, grew stronger over time. We let the topic of another pregnancy go. Though I couldn’t let go of this feeling.
Seeing What Had Been Hidden
In the parental constellation this little boy appeared out of nowhere. Standing beside my little girl. For those who don’t have any experience with constellations, this might come across as strange. And it is, in a way. It feels a bit like magic. My body had known all along what was there, but my mind couldn’t connect the dots. There, in that constellation, it became clear. A big YES was in the air. I was the mother of both a girl and a boy. Although the latter didn’t survive.
This experience of bringing the unconscious into awareness gave me a profound sense of peace. The feeling of a little boy waiting for me disappeared. And I could see my daughter for who she was and is. Strong, persistent. It made me extra proud. Being her mom, and being a mom of two. I was sad and grateful at the same time.
It helped me standing on my two feet in situations where my daughter claimed me or needed me. On the other hand, her behavior also became more relaxed.
Looking Beneath the Surface of Parenthood
What I learned through constellations changed the way I look at parenting, connection, and the stories we unknowingly carry from one generation to the next. Our special story is that I – as her mother – recently discovered that I am also a single-born twin. Perhaps that is why this specific constellation touched me so deeply. Sometimes the stories that shape us begin long before we become parents ourselves.
Could a Family Constellation Help You?
Do you encounter certain situations within your family as difficult or stressful? Have you tried everything within your ability, but nothing seems to work? A family constellation focused on parenthood and the parent-child relationship can offer valuable and often surprising insights.
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